


man buys every pie at local burger joint to spite shitty little brat

by rivaidere



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eren being a little shit, Humor, Oneshot, based off the burger king man post on tumblr, crackfic, levi being a grumpy old man, literally pure crack, repeated abuse of the word 'fuck'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-20
Updated: 2014-08-20
Packaged: 2018-02-13 22:56:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2168364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rivaidere/pseuds/rivaidere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An annoying kid was screaming in line behind him about wanting pie and giving him a headache, so Levi bought every single one. 23 pies. Then slowly ate them as he stared at the kid and the kid's mom.</p><p>And of course, Eren is the annoying kid. Who wants pie.</p><p>Based off of that one tumblr/reddit post.</p>
            </blockquote>





	man buys every pie at local burger joint to spite shitty little brat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cissy88](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cissy88/gifts).



> Inspired by cissyswonderland's caption/tags on [this post](http://rivaidere.tumblr.com/post/95042666709/cissyswonderland-caligulascookie)
> 
> This prompt has probably been done already but I really wanted to write it so uh...here have another version?

Levi hates fizzy drinks and grocery bathrooms. He hates how his glasses are starting to slide down his nose while he's driving. He hates how his phone only has seventeen percent battery left. He hates how his car is almost out of gas and the nearest gas station is four miles behind him. He hates how it takes forty minutes to get back to his apartment when it's only fifteen miles away from his office. Fuck, he hates everything right now because his coworkers are incompetent _morons_ who shouldn't even qualify as functioning human beings.  
  
Some idiot had somehow lost their team's _'slightly valuable'_  USB drive that had all their files on it.  
  
Levi had been looking forward to a couple hours of free time when he got home from a long, exhausting day on the job. Emphasis on _had been_ , because now those two hours are going to be spent retyping every single document that was on that lost USB. He'd forgotten to back it up on his laptop; the only choice he regretted more than choosing to work at Sina Corporation after he graduated from college last year.  
  
The pay is fine and the assignments are reasonable, but the people can be downright idiotic.  
  
In celebration of his colleague's utter stupidity, Levi decides to buy himself a coffee (he has just enough gasoline left to make a short detour, he concludes after doing some quick mental math). He pulls into a familiar plaza made up of hair salons, Asian buffets, the only decent coffee place in town, and a McMaria's.  
  
Levi is halfway out of his car when the orange safety cones appear in his field of vision.  
  
Oh.  _Of course_ his favourite coffee shop is closed for renovation and wouldn't be open until Friday.  
  
Levi didn't take this risky detour just to return empty-handed, however (he's pushing his luck with the amount of fuel in his car), so McMaria's it is. At least they have free Wi-Fi, which Levi will be sure to take advantage of—

Oh, right. His phone's at seventeen percent battery. The world is a cruel place.  
  
And it's not beautiful in the least, because as soon as Levi steps into the McMaria's, a blast of stuffy springtime humidity mixed with the stench of body odour greets his carefully groomed undercut. There's an extensive line of sweaty people all waiting to order an afternoon snack, and Levi stifles a groan. Nevertheless, he waits in line not-so-patiently like everyone else.  
  
It's almost his turn to order—just  four people left—when the telltale sound of a spoiled child pipes up from somewhere behind him.  
  
"Mom, mom,   _mom,_ mom, mo-om, _mooom—_ ”  
  
 _Shut up. Shut up. Please, before I punch somebody._  
  
"Mom, mom, _mom_! Can I get a pie?"  
  
Levi glances back and spots the source of the noise immediately: a brown-haired, blue-green-eyed, ten-something-year-old boy pulling at his mother's sleeve and whining whilst the unknowing woman chatters on the phone.  
  
"Mom! Mooom! I want a fucking pie!"  
  
A couple heads turn upon hearing the swear, but the majority of the crowd has their eyes trained on phone screens. Levi must say, he's on the verge of feeling impressed. 'I want a fucking pie' sounds like a quote he probably would've used in his childhood years, though back then it was more along the lines of 'I want a fucking growth spurt'.  
  
The mother has a grim expression on her face, lips pursed and eyes worried as she speaks to whoever is on the phone with her. As much as Levi's growing headache bothers him, he understands that she's busy.  
  
Instead of yelling at the woman, he takes to glaring at her son, hoping that he'll get the message and shut the fuck up about his pie.  
  
"Mom, mom, mom! Pie! I want a pie!"  
  
Alright, fuck it. Levi's had enough of this brat's first world problems (okay, yes, so maybe a missing USB is also a first world problem, but that's different). He's going to make sure the little shit absolutely does _not_ get his pie and hopefully teach him a lesson in the process.  
  
It's finally his turn to order. At last.  
  
"Hello, sir," the cashier says with a weary smile, "What—”  
  
"A regular sized coffee and all the pies you have in stock," Levi cuts in.  
  
The poor guy stammers for a bit and manages, "Wait, you mean, like, uh... _every single pie_?"  
  
"Yes," Levi agrees solemnly, opening his wallet, "Please." He adds as an afterthought.  
  
"I-I...yeah, okay." The cashier gives Levi a strange glance before ducking into the kitchen.  
  
He returns five minutes later with an armload of small rectangular pies packed in neat little boxes and sets them on the counter, alongside the coffee another employee had prepared.  
  
"Um...twenty-three pies of assorted flavour and one regular sized coffee...that all?” The cashier is still a tad bit wide-eyed,  
  
"These are all the pies you have at the moment, correct?"  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
Levi pays and scoops the pies up in one arm whilst holding his coffee using the other. "Thank you."  
  
He doesn't touch the coffee, instead walking up to the whiny brat's mother—who’s also been staring at him wide-eyed like the cashier, though still on her phone—and handing her the cup.  
  
"Here. You'll need it," Levi tells her, and then uses his free hand to open one of the pie boxes.

Deliberately standing in front of the shitty little brat himself, who is now watching him with round green eyes in awe, Levi takes a large, exaggerated bite out of the pie. The kid's mouth drops in realization, and Levi smirks slightly to himself as he speeds towards the exit.  


Wait for it...  
  
"Mom!" He hears halfway to the door, "That man got pies, why can't I have one?"

“Eren, shush. We’ll see.”  
  
Levi doesn't feel an ounce of pity when he hears the mother shriek at the cashier as he's exiting,  
  
 _"What do you mean you don't have any pies left?"_  
  
-x-  
  
His smug disposition is instantly diminished when his car runs out of gas right outside his apartment.  
  
Fuck his life. Fuck it so hard it can't walk the next day. Fuck his twenty-three years of living and the twenty-three pies he bought just to piss off that shitty brat. Fuck, he hadn't even realized the number of pies they had in stock were equal to his age. Twenty -three pies for a twenty-three year old.  
  
Frick.  
  
-x-  
  
Nearly six years after the pie incident (which he still remembers with more clarity than he cares to admit), Levi walks into a McMaria's to grab a quick meal because he's tired and too lazy to cook supper that night. McMaria's is the most convenient choice, so why not.  
  
What he certainly does not expect, however, is for the green-eyed, brunet cashier to regard him with clear astonishment and recognition.  
  
"Y-you..."  
  
Levi has no idea what this brat is staring at him for, but he's hungry and didn’t come here to chat.  
  
"Are you finished," he begins coldly, glancing down at the kid's name tag, "...Eren?" he finishes, raising an eyebrow. The cashier gulps.

“I..I remember you. From that time,” he stammers.

“What?” Levi certainly does not recall ever meeting this stuttering idiot anywhere.  
  
" We...we have twenty-nine pies in stock,,” Eren says, blinking three times too many. “Just try not to take all of them like last time.”  
  
Levi wants to laugh.  
  
He’s turning twenty-nine in December.

Twenty-nine pies for a twenty-nine year old.

“Fuck.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! ~~i hope that wasnt too terrible? ;;D~~
> 
> feel free to contact me from [my tumblr](http://kyoujin.co.vu) with any feedback/suggestions!


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